No One Cares About My Fantasy Football Team, 2011 Edition

Ndamukong Soup Nazis

Last year, around this time, I wrote two posts about my two fantasy football teams. I’m going there again, in spite of the title of this post.  If you have zero interest in fantasy football, feel free to skip the rest of this post, as well as the next post.

*waiting for some people to walk out*

Okay, for those of you still here, thanks for sticking around!

First up was my “Balls of Shame” draft, although the league is being renamed this year to “Pigskin & Poker”, due to the fact that it’s a group of poker buddies.  Last year’s draft is detailed here, as well as my victorious outcome in winning the league here.  It’s a PPR league, 16 round snake draft with 8 players; starting lineup is 2 QBs, 2 RBs, 3 WR, 1 WR/TE flex, 1 K, 1 Defense/Special Teams, and 6 bench spots.

Also worth noting that this is a keeper league. If you drafted a player last year in the 8th round or later, and he stayed on your roster all season, you could keep that player and sacrifice the pick from the same round this year. My example was Santonio Holmes, picked in the 15th round last year; I kept him for this year, which means I didn’t get a 15th round pick.  Seven of the eight teams elected to keep a player:

• Malcolm Floyd (8th round)
• Jamaal Charles (9th round)
• Arian Foster (10th round)
• Mike Wallace (11th round)
• Dez Bryant (12th round)
• Darren McFadden (15th round)
• Santonio Holmes (15th round)

Here’s the results of my draft, with commentary mixed in where appropriate:

1. QB Tom Brady, NE (4th overall; in a 2 QB league, 6 were taken in the 1st round, with only 2 RBs coming off the board)
2. WR Andre Johnson, HOU (the 2nd round had the run on WRs, with 5 coming off the board; still only 3 RBs taken in the 1st two rounds!)
3. QB Matt Schaub, HOU (9th QB taken, making me the second team owner to go with two QBs in the first three rounds; doubles up my points with Andre Johnson)
4. WR Miles Austin, DAL (Opposing defenses have to worry about Dez Bryant, Jason Witten, Felix Jones, etc.)
5. WR Vincent Jackson, SD (Hmm, maybe I should start thinking about taking a RB…)
6. RB Matt Forte, CHI (Seems like great value here to get someone who catches passes out of the backfield; 45th pick overall)
7. RB Felix Jones, DAL (I’m a big buyer on Felix Jones this year, and I suspect this will be a winner of a pick!  Healthy, improved offensive line, a healthy Tony Romo and an emerging Dez Bryant to open the field, no more Marion Barber to split carries, etc.)
8. WR Anquan Boldin, BAL (Not the big play receiver he was in Arizona, but he’ll get tons of catches; Lee Evans should help stretch the defense)
9. RB Fred Jackson, BUF (Should be solid enough to be my bye-week RB; I completely missed spotting DeAngelo Williams sitting out there, and so did everyone else… he wound up going in the 11th round!)
10. QB Jay Cutler, CHI (I’d just read the Sports Illustrated article, “You’re Wrong About Jay Cutler“… I hope I’m right during the Brady/Schaub bye weeks!)
11. TE Dallas Clark, IND (Since we don’t have to start a TE, he fell pretty far, but I see him as being a solid WR/TE option; every week, I get to start 4 out of Johnson/Austin/Jackson/Boldin/Holmes/Clark)
12. RB Marshawn Lynch, SEA (Ugh… DeAngelo Williams had just been taken off the board, starting a run of four RBs ahead of my pick)
13. WR Steve Smith, PHI (Gavin and I both looked up in the 13th round, both with the name ‘Steve Smith’ on the tip of our tongue; he got the Carolina version one pick before me; I’ve already dropped him, figuring a 3rd or 4th option on the Eagles that was coming off major knee surgery wasn’t a need; Danny Amendola replaces him on my bench)
14. DEF Detroit Lions (I was the second-to-last owner to pick a defense… I’m betting on that scary defensive line; named my team “Ndamukong Soup Nazis”)
15. WR Santonio Holmes, NYJ (Keeper pick, awesome value!)
16. K Garrett Heatley, NO (Gotta have a kicker…)

Not a bad draft, mostly safe picks, not many question marks.  My starting lineup on most days will consist of guys on playoff-caliber teams, with lots of weapons around them, no one who a defense can key on and try to shut down. I like it.

The Most Hated Team In America?

My beloved New England Patriots made quite a bit of NFL news today, reportedly making two separate trades to acquire DT Albert Haynesworth and WR Chad Ochocinco.  Both players are big names for their on the field production throughout their careers.  Both players come with baggage, perceived (Ochocinco) or real (Haynesworth).  Both trades are reportedly for future draft picks, not likely to be high-valued picks.  Both players’ careers in New England will be classic boom-or-bust options.

For Haynesworth, he’s been a dominating force on the defensive line for most of his career, this last year in Washington notwithstanding.  His tenure with the Redskins was a disaster, no doubt about it.  However, he’s still young enough that he should have plenty of gas left in the tank.  I think he can be disruptive in getting into the backfield to pressure opposing quarterbacks, by playing next to a classic middle-of-the-line DT like Vince Wilfork.  Haynesworth will play more of the hybrid DT/DE role that the Patriots haven’t had since trading away Richard Seymour.  Play Haynesworth in that role, and I suspect he’ll be motivated to return to a Pro Bowl level and put the Washington disaster behind him.

As far as Ochocinco goes, I’ve always thought his antics to be fun and harmless.  He’s not a malcontent, he doesn’t get in trouble off-the-field.  His production won’t be what it used to be, and he’ll still get shut down by CBs like Darelle Revis.  Otherwise, he should give Tom Brady yet another weapon to use against defenses.  Don’t forget that the Patriots were putting up huge scores last year — without a top-flight wide receiver on the outside.  Ochocinco will keep defenses honest and spread the field, opening up more room for Wes Welker.  As if Tom Brady needed more help.

When it comes to the Patriots, either you love them or you hate them.  Success (and that whole Spygate business) over the past decade has turned everyone outside of the fan base against the Pats.  When they won their first Super Bowl, they were the underdog and the darlings of the NFL — a team-first group of players, unheralded overachievers.  Since then, sentiment has turned.  Now when you add two polarizing players like Haynesworth and Ochocinco, you could practically hear the outcry of anti-Patriots sentiment coming from the Internet, even if you were offline.

I’m okay with that.  I’m okay that my team is going to be the villain.  Bring it on.  Go Pats!

Update:  Sure enough, after I post this, I see that Mark Schlereth agrees with me about Haynesworth being the new Richard Seymour for New England.

Fearless Super Bowl Pick

Here we are, six minutes before kickoff, time for me to make my Super Bowl pick…

Steelers 19, Packers 17

It’s going to be a great defensive game, and as much as it hurts me to think it, I have a feeling that the Steelers will pull the game out late.

And then I’m going to be subjected to a full year of “Ben Roethlisberger is as good as Tom Brady” garbage.  I already heard Troy Aikman say that Aaron Rodgers is a Super Bowl win away from being the best quarterback in the game.  I’m pretty sure Tom Brady, the unanimous NFL MVP (first time ever that’s happened) and Offensive Player of the Year, would beg to differ.

The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

Here’s a quick recap of my weekend.

The Good

Aren't we cute?

April came out for the weekend for my company’s holiday party.  We had a great time Friday night, and we spent a terrific Saturday together.  I can’t tell you how much this woman means to me.  To give you just a glimpse, here on Sunday, I dropped her off at the airport before 12pm… but leading up to that:

1. She baked me an apple pie, a leftover from my birthday.  Look, people, anytime a girl bakes you a pie, she’s a keeper.
2. She asked me if she could borrow a Patriots jersey.  I gave her my Tom Brady jersey to wear on the plane back to Houston.  Despite the fact that my team lost today in the playoffs, my girl was supporting my team.  That’s HUGE.  She would mean the world to me even if she wasn’t indulging me by supporting my teams.  I can’t tell you how blessed I feel.
3. And a lot more… April, I love you so much.

And, a consolation prize on Sunday, I had a chance to commiserate with my brother Mark about the Patriots, and to Skype with his wife and kids.  Seeing my niece and nephew warms my heart after a heartbreaking loss.

The Bad

1. April went back to Houston.  I was tempted to not bring her back to the airport.  I mean, really, what could she do?  If I didn’t drive her to the airport, she’d be stuck here, and then I win, right?
2. The New England Patriots lost.  Bad enough, especially with the amount of trash-talk I’ve been doing over Twitter… but it also cost me $20 to Joey Parsons.

The Ugly

1. See #2 in The Bad.
2. April forgot her iPhone in my car when I dropped her off at the airport.  FedEx is good, but it’s not cheap to send a package next day over Federal Express.  As the guy at the FedEx Office location said, “The price has gone up in 2011.”

So… when do pitchers and catchers report?  Boston Red Sox, all the way in 2011!

PostScript

As I was typing this up, I was texting with a good friend, a fellow Patriots fan.  While we are both disappointed in the outcome of today’s game, we are both in good places in our lives.  When it’s all said and done, the sports element pales in comparison to the other things we have to be thankful for in our lives.  We can smile to ourselves when we talk about our respective ladies, and feel warmth in our hearts when we recognize true friends.  Miss you, bud, and I miss all of my old friends where the distance keeps us from hanging out.

Sweater Fuzzies, High Heels, and Bad Decisions

Rather than go to one of the Daily Post suggestions today for blog topics, I asked my Twitter army for ideas.  I am nothing if not a benevolent leader, and I will grant the requests of the first six that came through to me.

The BCS Championship Game

Patrick asked me to “write about the myth that last night’s BCS championship game was actually a good game. It was atrocious, if you ask me.”

Unfortunately, I wasn’t watching the entire game.  I got home in time to turn it on, but spent a good chunk of the game with the volume muted and not paying attention.  It was on during the prime hours when I can be on the phone with my lady, due to our long-distance relationship and a two-hour timezone difference.

What I did see, when I was paying attention, was a pair of rhythm offenses that couldn’t find their rhythm after long layoffs since their last games.  No one would have predicted that it’d be a 0-0 game after the first quarter.  When the second quarter resulted in more scoring, it seemed that both teams were finding their legs.  But neither one could keep it together for full drives.  There’d be a drive that would result in a crisp, fast touchdown, then two drives that were sloppy.

The fact that the game went down to the wire had me watching until the end, and I found the last few minutes of the game exciting.  Back and forth action, controversial (but correct) calls by the officials, and a last-second field goal for the win.  At least that much of the game was fun.  Certainly more fun than last year’s game, once Colt McCoy was knocked out.

I’m not particularly a college football fan; I’m an NFL guy.  I was happy that the few minutes when I focused on the game were exciting.  That’s about all I can ask for.

Sweater Fuzzies

Lynn asked me to “Write about those little fuzzy things that hang off your sweater, but you don’t notice until you get to work. FML.”

Here’s the real problem with those little fuzzy things, Lynn.  Every one of those is a piece of your sweater that you can’t replace.  It’s not like dead skin cells that are replaced by new skin cells.  Every one of those fuzzies is a tiny percentage of your sweater you’re never getting back.

This reminds me of the Office Space / Superman III scheme:  Carve off the rounding errors on every transaction, and over time it’ll add up to millions of dollars.  You don’t notice each individual fuzzy… but before you know it, your sweater is threadbare and you’re having to buy a new one!

Which brings me to a revelation I had late last night.  I was having a little trouble falling asleep, and since I don’t like to count sheep, I was thinking about the odds payouts in craps — no idea why that was the topic for thought.  I fixated on the place bets on 4s and 10s, once you reach a $25 buy bet.  At $25, a 4 or 10 buy bet will pay out at 49-to-25 — meaning, your $25 bet turns into $49.  In practice, this means you toss $1 to the dealer, and you get back $50, instead of the dealer having to count out $49.

If you have a $50 bet, you toss $2 and get paid back $100.  All good, so far, right?

Here’s where the casino gets you… If you press that $50 up to $100 and hit the number, you toss then a $5 chip, instead of $4!  They’re keeping the $1 change when they pay out your $200 winning!  And you don’t think anything of it, because you just raked in two black chips for the price of one red!  BASTARDS!!!!

Don’t Mess With The Bull

Patrick also asked, “how about a history of people who have talked shit to Belichick/Brady/the Patriots, as Rex Ryan is trying to do.”

Writing up a history of everyone who’s crossed the Patriots coach and quarterback would take research, and I’m trying to write quickly here.

Here’s the thing.  Bill Belichick and Tom Brady do not forget.  They hold grudges.  They’ll let you flap your gums, wait for you to catch a breath, and then they’ll punch you in the mouth.

And you will bleed.  Profusely.

Project Gummi Bear

Annette suggested, “gummi bears!”

For those of you who don’t get the reference, Annette is referring to my now-defunct Tumblr site, Project Gummi Bear.  I do miss working on the project sometimes, but not enough to try to revive it.  You’d be surprised at how much creative energy it took to pose gummi bears as if they were in famous movie scenes!

Reminisce about the good old days with the Project Gummi Bear archive.

These Metrics Reek

Patrick finally suggested I share my thoughts on this ESPN Insider article, Why Big Ben measures up to Brady.

If you don’t have ESPN Insider access, I’ll sum up the article.  KC Joyner purports that Ben Roethlisberger is as good as Tom Brady, and his evidence is based on three obscure statistics:

1. Short Pass Yards Per Attempt
2. Vertical Pass Yards Per Attempt
3. Bad Decision Percentage

I’m not a “football scientist” like KC Joyner.  However, the metrics that he chooses reek.

When I was running technical support teams, I used to say that you could be selective in your metrics in order to support the argument that you’re trying to make.  If I want to show that we’re doing a good job, I would present metrics that showed an improvement.  If I was fighting for more headcount, I would present metrics that showed we were struggling and needed more investment.  I could tell whatever story fit my agenda using metrics.

You want to try to convince me that Ben Roethlisberger is a good quarterback?  No need, I’ll be the first to point to his winning percentage and his two Super Bowl rings.  Assuming Brett Favre is really, truly done playing, there are only five active quarterbacks in the NFL who’ve won a Super Bowl as a starter:  Tom Brady three times, Ben Roethlisberger twice, Peyton and Eli Manning once apiece, and Drew Brees once.

You don’t need to use “Bad Decision Percentage” as a metric.  If you do, I’ll suggest three more bad decisions that’ll jack up Roethlisberger’s Bad Decision Percentage:

1. Riding a motorcycle without a helmet
2. A Lake Tahoe hotel room
3. A Milledgeville, Georgia night club

It’s as simple as this.  As a quarterback, on the field, I wouldn’t bet money against Roethlisberger… unless he was playing against Tom Brady.

Head Over Heels

Last but not least, Myka requested that I tell “a man’s view of why women try to kill ourselves with heels.”

To put it bluntly, it’s because women love it when a man checks them out as they walk on by.  And when you wear high heels, we’re more likely to say what John Travolta said in Face/Off:

“I hate to see you leave, but I love to watch you go.”